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The Truth About Having Kids

You will eat unbelievable amounts of half eaten food. Reminiscent of what you internally picture homelessness to be like, your high ideas of yourself will come crashing down as you find yourself regularly eating leftover food like a man in a back alley. Your kids seem to NEVER really finish their food completely and you reason that it shouldn't go to waste as you have thrown so much food out this week already, but really you eat it because you are legitimately dying of hunger due to being too tired to cook yourself a different meal.

Speaking of food, you will never have a meal to yourself again. Everything you eat, everything barring whiskey, you will be forced to share with needy little hands like some communist nightmare become reality.

You will step on an ungodly number of Legos. You will hate those legos with the white hot fire of hell by the end.

You will find apples with one small strip eaten all the way around. You will also find apples with one bite taken out of it, so that it is just enough to look unappealing to a second consumer. But they go further: you will even find apples with just the teeth marks of a non committal bite. How dare they. These apples were bought in March and cost 1$ or more per apple, but do they care? Nope. "I was full" they say. Ironically the only time they say this is when they have just ruined some item of food.

You will have your heart stolen.

You will flush the toilet many times a day. It will be full of unspeakable realities, but it will fall to you, everyday, to flush it, despite the constant reminders you holler out every time you flush it for them to FLUSH.

You will feel like you are the ONLY PERSON IN THE WORLD that actually puts toilet paper rolls on the bar. You will swear that nobody in your family has ever even attempted this noble feat of necessary order.

You will sit in pee. A lot. And not just a few drops. Puddles. Puddles that have somehow impossibly accumulated on the toilet seat, defying gravity.

You will have the hypocritical areas of your life called out simply and without disdain or judgment.

Finishing a sentence with your spouse without being interrupted, let alone having a full conversation, will seemingly never happen again....barring that they are asleep. Thus you will become even more sleep deprived by staying up with late with your spouse just so you can have a meager amount of time to communicate the bare necessities.

Your kids will continually act like they are dying of thirst and hunger though they ate and drank mere minutes ago.

You will eat many end pieces of bread.

You will get wet at unexpected times. You will sit on a chair and find yourself wet. You will walk in the kitchen and find that the socks you JUST put on are now wet.

You will fall in love. Despite how many times you sit in their pee in the middle of the night or how many precious pink-lady apples they teeth-vandalize, you will find yourself giving your all to them anyways, regularly thinking of how to make their lives even better. You will learn what it means to truly put someone before yourself. You will experience God Himself.

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